Moving on...

...I have found again, that I have a problem with this. Moving on. Contrary to popular belief it is not that I don't want to move on, it is just the opposite. All I ever want to do is move. Thinking today about the last 10 or so years of my life I have been so discontent. To most I seem totally fine. But where it matters, on the inside, I am constantly dreaming about the "next thing." I need to peace on the inside. I think I have had it for a fleeting moment or two in the last decade. I want it with consistency though.

Two weeks ago at church the message was about prophetic words that we may have shelved and left to collect dust because they did not come to pass as "quickly" as we would have liked for them to. This was a familiar message that I have heard at least 2 or 3 times in the past few years. But that day, during that message, the Lord reminded me of one that literally made me jump out of my seat. Then I could not stop shaking. It was a very powerful moment. And ever since then I have had that and very little else on my mind.

I know that is not God's heart. And it is not why He did what He did. I believe God, even in the midst of my disbelief. Just because what You are doing does not look like what I thought it would, I will be patient and wait for You to do what You do so well! Along with allowing me ample grace for the days to come. I need peace on the inside.

I want peace on the inside.

February 22, 2010

For some reason I can’t help but be excited about today. I’m not sure why. I’m expectant. This weekend was a little rough with some heart to heart conversations that had to take place, but once they were done they not only brought me freedom but also those who were a part of them with me. None of us have been the same since.
Church on Sunday was awesome. The video that was shown, for some reason, made me so emotional. How the story of God providing for the woman with an abundance of oil so her sons would not be sold into slavery has never impacted me like that did. Now, I feel like I have a new passion to cry out for the things God has. Kind of like my last post. I’m not totally sure why that person gave me the word he did, but I’m hearing it a lot now!

So God, come teach me how to cry out to you! Make me steadfast, immovable and abounding in Love!

Psalm 112:7

He will not fear evil tidings;
His heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.

Isaiah 26:3

The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace,
Because he trusts in You.

1 Corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord.

February 20th, 2010

Tonight I am was in the Burn from nine to midnight. Around eleven I started pacing and praying with the IHOP-KC Live Stream. They were praying and talking about the next season that the Lord is bringing on the earth and how we have to press into what He is doing. Just like Elijah bent down and prayed even more when his servant came back and said there was a cloud the size of a mans hand. He kept pressing God for MORE. I want to be there too. I know we are in a place of transition, but I have so much peace. Why? In the past, when transition comes I am so uncomfortable. I want to run or get away from it. It is almost painful. But this one seems so easy. I don’t understand… but He does.

“But for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me.”

Micah 7:7

New Song

So today I came into the Burn to spend 3 hours. I had a lot of stuff to do at home and work this week has been quite crazy, so part of me really wanted to just spend the evening in. But… I opted to be with God instead. When I first got here my car decided to get stuck so that was my first half hour gone. Then I got in and got somewhat calmed down from the frustration my car inflicts as it desires, so I sat down to play the keyboard and worship. Then the renters upstairs decided to make themselves known to me by stomping repeatedly!!! (CAN A GIRL GET A BREAK!!!)

The thing I want to focus on from tonight though is when the person prayed me into the room when he was done, he gave me a word. He told me,”God is jealous for your time!” He went on to express other aspects of the word that really spoke volumes to me. In fact, I was praying about some of these things when I was in the shower after work. Asking God about my other interests and how I really don’t want any of them, just Him. But it is a struggle. It is very difficult for me to let go of some of the things I have held on to for so long. Things that I have looked at for so long as being so harmless and innocent. Yet now I see them as tiny little drops of poison.

So when I sat down at the keyboard, this is the song that started to pour out of my mouth:

If You really love me like You say You do, come and show me.
If You really want me like You say You do, come and meet with me
If You really love me like You say You do, come and show me
If You really want me like You say You do, come and meet with me

Come and calm the questions in my mind
Come bring peace into my life
Come give me understanding
Come reveal Your mystery

Because I really need You



Maybe someday someone else will hear it. Or maybe it will be my cry. Who know…

Jamie will be missed...

The patient I talked about a blog or 2 ago passed away today. I got to go see her in ICU yesterday with some coworkers. While I was in the room with her I held her hand and prayed under my breath for God to raise her. I did not give Him a “if it’s Your will” ultimatum. I told Him exactly what I wanted and believed. Sometimes I wonder if my mustard seed of faith is actually the size of an atom. I really gotta flex this muscle. I want to make a declaration over someone’s life and know that it will be done.

I know my friend is much better off now. She is where she wanted to be and seeing EVERYTHING, not through a glass darkly. She has full revelation of Him. That part excites me and almost makes me jealous. He is the Revealer of Mysteries. I think I may attempt a song about Him being just that. Maybe I will call it Jamie’s Song…

Hope Deferred

The definition of each word according to http://www.webster.com/

Main Entry: 1hope
Pronunciation: \ˈhōp\
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): hoped; hop·ing
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English hopian; akin to Middle High German hoffen to hope
Date: before 12th century
intransitive verb 1 : to cherish a desire with anticipation 2 archaic : trusttransitive verb 1 : to desire with expectation of obtainment2 : to expect with confidence : trust
synonyms see expect
— hop·er noun
— hope against hope : to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment



Main Entry: de·ferred
Function: adjective
Date: 1651
1 : withheld for or until a stated time 2 : charged in cases of delayed handling



And then what God says about it:
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.


I have to say… today has been a hope deferred day. You would think by the time I reached the ripe-old- age of 29, I would have learned my lesson. I guess I have on different levels. For the most part I am content with my current state of being. I know that I have tons of people who love and support me. I know that I am able to do, for the most part, anything I want to.

But there is still that ach. It seems to come at the worst time. It is never announced. And, it’s like the flu, once it does appear, you are down for the count. It reminds me of a stalker, always lurking in the darkness, ready to rape every ounce of dignity you have and leave you feeling empty, alone, and pretty much a total disgrace. There is no bandage big enough to cover this heartache.

Somehow, a glimmer of hope comes and restores a level of your dignity. That reminder, you are above your circumstances. That Someone better and more worthy is jealous for your heart. He is the only one who really deserves it. The only one who has any right to stake claim of me. How beautiful is that Love?

(I have to put a disclaimer here. This writing is so therapeutic for me. I have really gone in a paragraph from a deep level of self-pity, to a deep sense of my Lovers desire for me. How much better is that, than any other thing…)

As I am writing this I have a deep sense of my worth rekindled. Because my life is not about this earth and what will or will not happen here. It’s about a total captivation. That is the only place where I can find beauty, where I can find peace and satisfaction. I only want to be there.

This thought just popped into my head. You know when you are around people who are super-secure with themselves and they just make you feel super-insecure. Imagine if we all really caught onto the aspect of how God really sees us and really feels about us how much damage we could do to the enemy by just being. Not saying or doing anything. Just being.



(Prayer for myself and anyone else who wants to claim it…)

God, I want to BE in You. I pray you give me strength for the days and the months ahead where the enemy would desire to fill my head with doubt and insecurity, that Your voice would resonate in me constantly. Remind me how much I mean to you God. Remind me of what You see in me. You are the Revealer of Mysteries, come reveal Yourself to me. I want more. In a lost and dying world, filled with the desires of self, You will fill all of my desires with You. Remind me of that plan. I love You.

Quote of the Day

"If there was only one person alive that would listen to my music I would still write it, even if that person was me."

-John Mark McMillian
(wrote He Loves Me)

Time...

So... I work in a cancer center. Last Friday, I knew it was going to be a long day and I was needing to leave work early to go to a conference. But sometimes you do things that don't make sense till days later. I knew on Friday that one of my "favorite" patients were in the hospital and I felt an overwhelming need to go and talk and pray with her. Again, knowing that I really did not have the time, I decided to make the time. So, myself and another co-worker took a walk across the street to see her. I am so glad we did! We had a wonderful time of prayer and got the chance to see that the patients heart had been changed! As of a couple of months ago she would always tell us that she was ready to go, but after 16 years of fighting cancer, who could blame her. My problem was every time she would talk that way, I would ask her how she felt about God healing her, but she never directly answered my question. Friday was so different! She had a deep desire in her eyes that spoke volumes to me that her faith had grown to such an exciting level! I was so excited too! We prayed for a bit and then my co-worker and myself had to get back to work, but we left with such a refreshed feeling of God's destiny not just for our friend but for ourselves and our families. His goodness is overwhelming sometimes!

Ironically, yesterday I put on a necklace that I have, and really like, that has symbols for faith, hope and love. Yesterday my necklace came apart and I lost my faith jewel somewhere. For about an hour I was questioning God on if I had personally lost some level of faith and He was trying to tell me. Then I realized how much of a distraction that necklace had become in such a short time. So my prayer went something like this, " God, if I have lost something when it comes to my faith speak it loud and clear to me, otherwise I am moving on with my morning, my life, and my relationship with You."

I never heard anything back.

Something old...

This is something I wrote in 2006 and just found on my computer. I think at one moment it was going to become a song... but has not made it there yet...





I dwell in prudence
I find knowledge and understanding
In the discression of my heart
I stand firm in understanding
All power is now mine

I see kings rise to power
And fall by the foully of there hearts
I give counsel to the poor
Only to see them richer than any other man
I find gain in the submission of self

Anyone who seeks after what I have
Find a bounty of great worth
I am sure to bless and endow
All my intimate friends with unattainable wealth
Just try Me and see what can only come from Me

Some seek for wealth from a heart of giving
Monetary things that will dwindle away
They do not see or understand
The only true wealth will come from Me
For to fear the Lord is the beginning of understanding

Not sure...

I'm not sure why or what I am going to do with this... But when a good friend suggests something safe, I guess you can try it once. Right?









I guess I will start with some of my photography I have done... See where that goes.